BEA Appreciation Week – Book Review: Friend Is Not A Verb by Daniel Ehrenhaft

KMont

I don’t blame you for wondering about the things mentioned above, and I don’t see the problem with discussing them. Sometimes when humor is intended, it might not be funny to some, and it might be funny to others. I just read two UF books where all I’ve heard about them is how witty the characters are, funny, etc. I didn’t find one thing funny in either book. The things mentioned in your review may not come off as “issues” to some, but obviously they do to you and maybe others – so I say discuss!

Personally, I don’t care for the tone they offer up. I’m not seeing anything that funny about the quotes. But that’s just me!

KMont

Oh, Aja. WELL SAID. I needed to finish my coffee and contemplate this all more first, but you just did a superb job. I’d get up and clap, but I still need that coffee first lol. I will applaud sitting at my keyboard. 😉

Ana

@ Kenda – Thanks for another well-reasoned comment – I agree with you of course. and dude, I too so want to applaud Aja. You should check our her livejournal (I am such a fangirl) – if you haven’t already – at Bookshop

Courtney Milan

Daniel,

The notion that casual racism/homophobia is okay because it’s not intended seriously really, really bothers me. I’m a woman, and a minority (depending on how you slice the bread), and I can’t tell you the number of times people have told sexist and racist jokes to my face, and then are shocked! shocked! that I get offended. How can I be offended, they wonder. It’s funny!

I have a rich sense of humor. I laugh at a lot of things. Heck, I write books that have funny elements. I love funny books. I’m not a humorless, cruel crone.

But you know what isn’t funny? People who do/say “funny” things that are racist/heterosexist/ageist/et cetera somehow never manage to tell jokes that subvert stereotypes instead.

Daniel Ehrenhaft

Wow. The way the conversation seems to be going, I feel that I’m coming off as a racist homophobe. Or that I condone a sexual relationship between a geriatric Nazi and a teenage girl. I am giggling at te absurdity. The book is a farce. Please: if you’re going to discuss the book, read it first. Then judge it on its literary merits–as Ana has done. (Though I do feel she’s missed a few crucial points, and has let the conversation slide away from something potentially productive.) It has lots of problems yes–plot-wise, etc. I would love to discuss those. Otherwise, to be frank, the conversation is digressing to a grab-the-mic platform where people are being self-congratulatory about things that every person with half a brain naturally condemns. Sorry to ask an obvious question…but why would you discuss a book you haven’t read? 😀

Daniel Ehrenhaft

I am sorry–I am bowing out of this conversation. I’m getting upset, and I know I shouldn’t. Ana, I’m sorry you didn’t like the book and were troubled by its content. I implore you all to read YA–not my books, but books by fabulous authors such as Libba Bray, Natalie Standiford, David Levithan, Coe Booth, Maureen Johnson, John Green, E. Lockhart, Rachel Cohn, and future books from Sourcebooks Fire authors…the list goes on and on and on. And Ana, thanks for reading; I sincerely mean that!

Akin

I see where Ana is coming from. But I also see where Daniel is coming from. I don’t think implying racism or homophobia or any of that was his intention, nor do I think this is a situation of “hipster racism”, but yeah, I see how some of the stuff in his book could perpetuate these things.

Thing is I’ve heard worse jokes on television, radio and from people, and sometimes I’ve laughed at them. Black people make jokes about white people being nervous around black people. Mexicans make jokes about Mexicans. Gay people make jokes about gay people. Indians make jokes about Indians. I had a Jewish friend crack a hilarious joke about Nazis the other day. And all these jokes could have some form of “implied” racism/homophobia in them if you look carefully.

That’s one of the reason why the whole “hipster racism” thing reads “bullshit” to me (yes, I AM black, by the way), and why I’m not all that bothered with Daniel’s book. Honestly there’s a ridiculous double standard with respect to “jokes” or implied messages.

Take this for example: according to Twilight and its immense success, as well as the successes of other copycat books like Hush Hush, most women and girls are ok with stalker-ish, domineering boyfriends, and also find being weak, clumsy, and idiotic acceptable as long as there’s a bad boy around to wrap them up in his big, strong arms. If I mentioned this to any Twilight or Hush Hush fangirl, their response would be: “It’s a book. You’re taking this way too seriously.”

Yet, at the same time, I know if Twilight were written by a man, the situation would be reverse: a whole lot of women would be pissed off at the books and accusing the male writer as sexist and abusive.

The same way black person would accuse a white person of racism if the white person told a joke that people would have laughed at had Chris Rock said it.

The same way gay people would cry homophobia if the joke about the gay guy wasn’t said by a gay guy but a straight guy.

South Park tells jokes about a kid wanting to kill a whole bunch of Jews. One of the writers is Jewish. Imagine if he was black or white instead. The Boondocks satires black people to the core. Imagine if the dude writing it was a white dude.

And so on.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s OK to perpetuate racism, sexism or homophobia in anyway. I’m just saying while you may see those things in the book as wrong (and they are), from what I witness in entertainment as a whole – books, music, movies, and TV, (a) it carries little weight (b) it shouldn’t be used against Daniel.

What I see here above all is a case of a joke gone wrong. If this were an “issue” book or a book that was supposed to tackle these serious topics in some way or form, then I’d take offence. Daniel said it isn’t, and it does look like a farce book.

If “The Hangover 2” came out and we saw a fat woman sleeping with a 90 ex-Nazi a lot of people would laugh. Hell, Tropic Thunder had a “dude disguised as a dude playing another dude” AKA Kirk Lazarus, who’s basically a white guy dressed as a black guy and talking like a black guy. I’m black and I laughed my ass off. But I know if that were to be a real issue, say some white guy ACTUALLY decided to do that for real, it’d become some kind of race thing.

It’s wrong, I know. But I’m not going to point my finger at Daniel when there are worse offenders out there.

Akin

@ KMont

But Daniel does have a point. Any liberal minded person who sees this discussion would think this book is a book that grossly offends gay people, black people and jews. And it’s not. Ana read the book. She understands everything about the book, and she chose to expose and discuss a small part of the book, and rightly so.

But if someone else who hasn’t read the book comes on here and starts saying, “Oh my god, racism this, racism that,” when really, this is a case of, “He told a joke and we didn’t find it funny, kinda like how Chris Rock told the SAME joke but we found it funny,” I think he does have a right to question why someone would, you know, jump into conclusions about the book as a whole when they haven’t read it.

You never know, maybe that person might read the book and these so called “issues” wouldn’t bother them. I’ve seen other reviews of this book online and there’s no mention of Nazis or racism. This is Ana’s opinion, and she has a right to make that opinion, especially when she’s read the book. But for someone who hasn’t, c’mon, I think it’s a bit unfair to jump into conclusions, is all.

Anonymous

I meant Petra’s father–not Hen’s father.

John J.

Daniel,

As a teenage reader, book blogger/reviewer, AND as a person who is struggling to accept his sexuality in a world that doesn’t admit to the truth of the matter yet – I CONSIDER THIS A BIG DEAL.

While I’m fine with things being glossed over in YA, like romances seen in Twilight and Hush,Hush, those are different for me. I think people take the extreme of some of the behaviors of the romance, but ultimately the books explore how teenage sexuality is THERE and will not go away because you consider them to be non-adults. That’s another matter entirely. But skimming over homophobia and Nazism and … and … frankly, I can’t see how you would do that.

I’m gay. I’ll admit it right now, so of course I’m going to take homophobia as offensive. BECAUSE IT IS. I don’t care if you meant it to be light and funny, it’s still offensive. In fact, the idea that you thought it would be okay to just take as a joke makes it all the more so! Would you like it if I felt that a heterosexual relationship was only worthy of being made the butt of some sarcastic joke? No, I doubt you would. I understand that you want your characters and their actions to be considered a stab at comedy and not seriousness, but it’s just not something to joke about.

And I don’t mean to be rude to you because of this. I don’t care if you are straight or gay, black or white, Jewish or Christian. Making a joke at the expense of a minority is offensive. I never understood why people would think it’s okay to do, even if someone of the minority cracked the joke – it makes the situation less tense, true, but it’s still a situation. My main issue is that you are giving teens something to read that says, ‘Hey, having these issues is funny and not serious.’ Because it’s not. I was going to read your book, but I would rather have a book sending the message ‘It’s not nice or okay to have these feelings,’ rather than making them seem like a farce. Because being under the butt of those feelings is not a farce in any way, and while I don’t expect you to understand it, I expect you to respect it as both an author and a person.

Mo

I dropped by after having seen a blurb about this on another site. I was curious about the book and the review given that it was a book that ended up with no grade.

Admittedly, I have not read the book and I am new to Ana’s reviews, so I am coming in blind.

My thoughts on the book (as reviewed by Ana) and this discussion follow:

1. The book may be YA and in the words of the author, “not an issue book”, but it does raise issues for some people. In a way, then, while unintended, it does open the door for discussions to take place. It’s clear that people are now thinking about and talking about the implied feelings about these issues.

2. On the issues themselves: We all agree that racism, homophobia, Nazism are bad things, or do we? There are plenty of people in this world who disagree that they are bad. So again, discussion is good. If a non-issues book portrays these things as neutral – or even good – to some of its characters, is it not simply echoing real life?

3. On the comment about using humor to illustrate negative things, um? Well, in that case, let’s get rid of all political cartoons and satire. I assure you there are plenty of people who are offended by that as well. Humor/satire is one of the best ways to open dialogue about difficult issues. Even the Greeks knew this, based on their plays, and “A Modest Proposal” cannot be read with anything but the understanding that Jonathan Swift is in complete opposition to the very ideas he is putting forward.

5. Why on earth would an author “just [to] not write problematic elements into their storytelling”? First, there is always someone who will disagree with something, so that is not possible and second that would make stories so bland as to be useless, even as escapism. Addressing things that make you uncomfortable makes you learn and grow and that is a very good thing.

In the end, without meaning to, the author has facilitated a lively discussion about these issues and I, for one, think that is a good thing.

katiebabs

Daniel is more than welcome to write whatever he wants, but some subject matter should be taken into consideration by an agent, editor or publisher, especially when releasing such a book that maybe picked up by children and teens.

Again, if someone can explain to me how a 22 yr old girl having a sexual relationship with an 84 yr old former Nazi can further the plot and make some sort of awareness to the reader, I am all ears.

Akin

@Katibabs:
I don’t quite understand this question: “Again, if someone can explain to me how a 22 yr old girl having a sexual relationship with an 84 yr old former Nazi can further the plot and make some sort of awareness to the reader, I am all ears.”

Ana

Hi all, thanks for all the comments so far.

I need to address two of them before going back and replying to all.

First the anonymous comment: – I believe this is the author who probably just forgot to fill the details before posting

There’s a passage that Ana left out of the review, which describes Hen’s feeling of guilt and shame over his reaction to the misidentification of Hen’s father–specifically in regards to racism. A discussion of that passage is something I’d love to see, though I won’t participate. It goes: “He was right: the fact that he was black had made me nervous. I was a horrible human being.” Again, taken out of its context within the scene skews it in a different light.
But it’s important when discussing a work of fiction–and the issues therein–to look at the work as a whole. The more informed a discussion, the better.

And Akin’s:

The anonymous person above just wrote that the character, Hen, did reflect upon his assumption of Petra’s father as black and therefore capable of making him nervous. Hen describes himself as a “horrible human being.” That in effect completely cancels out the belief that Hen or the author is flippant about racism. But a lot of people who haven’t read the book wouldn’t know that. They would assume the worst, which is bad publicity for the author

In my attempt to be completely fair about the book, I actually DID include the above passage, and even examine it – I quote, from the review :

Now, the way I see it, these assertions made their way into the book either on “purpose” or by “accident”.
The former, would be a form of addressing them with sarcasm as a way of emphasising their wrongness. This view can be supported by for example how Hen thinks about the racist incident: “the fact that he was black had made me nervous. I was a terrible human being”. But this is the only instance of self-awareness as far as I can tell unless you think those quotes are meant to be sarcastic themselves – I am not entirely convinced.
The latter, it’s obviously the most problematic one. They are not meant to be taken seriously or in any negative way, they are just jokes, but when these things make their way,” innocently”, into books and people don’t think twice about them, that only helps perpetuating stupid stereotypes, bigotry and racism.

I guess I should have put that into blockquotes as well and I will go back and edit to make it clear. But I think this illustrates beautifully the subject at hand. Two different commenters – including the author – did not read the review that carefully and still come here to discuss.
I find that very ironic given how one of the subjects of this comment thread, brought up by the author – is how people should read the book first to then comment.

Daniel Ehrenhaft also says:

she’s missed a few crucial points, and has let the conversation slide away from something potentially productive

I think this has been said ad nauseam all over the place but it bears repeating. What an author feels or think is “crucial” might not be what a reader perceives as “crucial”. Once your book has been published, it is out there to be discussed, dissected, argued over, etc and there is no telling what a reader will get from a book – or not. The same goes for reviews, I think and I didn’t “let the conversation slide away”, the conversation took shape and form on its own because people think and feel and react in different ways and I can’t regulate or expect or direct a discussion (well, I guess I could shut down the thread, but what would be the point of that?) any more than an author can tell me what is crucial or not.

I hope I was fair when examining the book. I think I was, and I never intended to discuss the author (no accusations were made here by me or any of the commenters as far as I can tell) but to discuss the book. Which is what reviews are all about.

Ana

Lori says:

I haven’t read the book and came over here via the link on Dear Author. But I’m very curious as to why the issues in a YA book are taken into this extreme in the same way they would be in a book aimed at an adult audience.

Its been a long time since I was a teenager and I have a pre-teen daughter but I do know that in the teenage world there is only one star and that is self. So a book about a teenage boy wouldn’t necessarily delve into the ‘why’s’ and ‘wherefor’s’ if the character is a self involved teenager.

I’m not really a YA reader because as an adult I prefer content that matches my interests and my life. But a YA book is to match the ideas and life of a ‘not yet adult’, yes? So within that context did the book match the teenage protagonist’s idea of self and self-involvement?

Lori, I don’t know about other reviewers or readers but I read YA and Adult books the same way and I don’t see why I shouldn’t. I think to discuss issues is important regardless of the age group a book is intended to. In fact I would argue it would be MORE important to discuss these issues when it comes to YA books.

I am not sure that idea of self and self-involvement is a valid parameter to assess a book. I know many teens and YA who are very self-aware and aware of OTHERS (I was one of them) and I also know many adults who are much more self-involved than teenagers.

Aja

@ Akin,

None of us get to pull out the “well *I* think it’s funny and therefore it’s okay” line with regard to potentially offensive material, be it regarding something within your own experience (eg racism) or something that falls outside it (eg homophobia). The reason is that the more people find these kind of jokes genuinely funny, the more people are taught and encouraged to think that real issues of racism and socio-cultural privilege aren’t important. It also encourages people to be insensitive to their own privilege. All of these things influence the development of a more racist and intolerant society.

It’s important to talk about that. It’s even more important for the book blogging community to be willing & open to discussion about these elements in the book we read, because this is our community and our literary space, and the least we can do is try to improve them and make them safer & more welcoming for more people.

It’s also important for YA authors to be aware that when they write fiction, they’re writing in a genre that *drastically* under-represents minorities, a genre where less than 2% of books have non-white faces on the cover.

It’s especially important that *when* minorities are represented in fiction, it’s done in ways that don’t undermine them, whitewash them, appropriate them, or erase them.

No one is saying that non-issue books *can’t* deal with or explore problematic elements, or portray flawed characters who have racist or privileged tendencies. But somewhere either the narrative or the metatext or *both* have to send the message that a flawed characterization is separate from the cultural representation of the whole book. If a book *doesn’t* do that, then at the very least it’s okay to say “this book could have dealt with this issue more effectively.” And at worst, it’s also a valid reaction to say “I don’t want to go near that writer, because this thing offended me and was not handled with sensitivity.”

@ Mr. Ehrenhaft: Actually, Ana’s review did point out that the narrative character had a moment of remorse and self-awareness regarding his own privilege. She also pointed out that one moment of self-awareness did not really work to balance out the rest of the book’s privilege and casual hipster offensiveness.

Also, I’d just like to add that treating the character’s moment of racism in blatantly hyperbolic terms (“I had a racist thought; ergo I AM A HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING”) is another kind of dismissal of hipster -ism. By *having* the character acknowledge it, you admit to the level of potential offensiveness; then you brush it off as not a big deal.

You ask why we’re commenting on a book we haven’t read yet. Apart from the fact that the reviewer *asked* for feedback, the purpose of in part to help readers gauge whether or not they will enjoy a book. Well, I’m queer; I’m fat; I’m a woman. And none of the excerpts quoted in Ana’s review make me feel like any of these experiences are *safe* in your hands. I feel instead like your book will pelt me with snide sideswipes about my identity until I feel excluded from both the story and your intended audience.

And yes, I *could* read your book and judge for myself whether Ana’s claims are enough to ruin the book or whether they’re born out by the book’s charm and narrative. But honestly, why? What’s in it for me? Why would I want to provide an audience for yet another book that might well dismiss me and my experiences as a reader, when I could be seeking out and reading books written by people who are actively subverting and writing actually progressive stories instead?

*wanders off to buy a book by Courtney Milan*

Mo

Darn! It occurred to me after I hit “Post Comment” that I should have added a caveat. I randomly chose minority groups as examples. There is no intent to show bias by having picked specific groups.

Often in tv shows or books, there is the token non-white person. That is just as insulting, imo.

Mo

I take serious issue with what you just said. What I said was “What if the author isn’t choosing to write for that demographic and the author is only writing for white people or straight people?” If that is the case, it is not incumbent upon them to include minorities.

Literature, and fiction in particular, may or may not reflect reality. That is the point to fiction: it’s not real.

Aja

What I said was, “What if the author isn’t choosing to write for that demographic and the author is only writing for white people or straight people?”

Then I would say the author can’t choose their audience. Just as Ana said, once the book is published, the author has NO CONTROL over reader reaction, or over who reads their books.

And if an author *actually exists* who doesn’t earnestly want as many people as possible to read and enjoy their books, and connect to them, then they probably won’t care about the people they inadvertently offend.

But for those of us who are offended, it is completely within our right to talk about *why*, both so that we can avoid buying books that offend, and so maybe we can educate ourselves on how not to write potentially offensive things, or be insensitive people.

Ana i will stop spamming your comment page now. <3

Akin

@ Aja and Ana,

I never said people shouldn’t discuss the book. That’s the whole point of reviews: so people can discuss the book afterwards.

I only stated my opinion, which is that I don’t find the things Ana pointed too insulting, and that there is a danger of people miscontruing the book’s purpose or plot – a boy who struggles with the secret his family is keeping from him and his growing romantic feelings for his best friend – and seeing it as an racist, homophobic piece of trash., when it really isn’t. I’m not saying that’s what people see it as, I’m just saying there is a danger of people seeing it that way.

With respect to representation of minorities, yes, YA authors should be mindful. However, that doesn’t mean they should sell away their creative licence. Hen says he’s not gay when his sister asks him why he doesn’t have guy friends. That’s very accurate. A lot of guys would say that. It has nothing to do with being homophobic, and I’m sorry if that’s how you see it, or if any gay person sees it, but that’s just how it is. If someone asked me why I’m not watching Sex and the city, I’d say because I’m not a girl. I’m not sexist; I just feel girls love Sex and The City more than guys, and the subject matter of the movie isn’t really my thing as a guy.

Should YA authors avoid writing guy characters in a certain way because some people might find it offensive? Well, I guess that’s up for discussion.

The only thing in the book I could look at and say, “ok that offends me,” is the black guy thing. But then it’s been pointed out in the review that Hen reflects on his behaviour. Maybe the author should have spent one paragraph on the issue, instead of one line, but I really don’t think, giving that the book is a farce book, that Hen could go on and on and on, page after page, thinking about how he shouldn’t treat black people bad, when the book really isn’t about that.

Again, just my respectful opinion. Anyone’s free to disagree.

danielle

Okay, speaking as a teenager–yes, we’re cruel bastards. Yes, we laugh at really insulting things and we can be kind of racist (depending on what region we’re from), and we’re shallow and there are a great many things wrong with us. And I have no doubt plenty of people in the age group will find this book hilarious. But I, as this book’s target audience, find it kind of insulting that someone would portray young adults as ignorant vehicles for Nazi quirks (or whatever). In fact, this happens quite a lot. Kids are underestimated and treated in books like they literally know nothing about anything, that is something major happens we can just sit there and except it or throw a fit about how unfair life is. I haven’t read this book, but the way Ana describes it its striking me as kind of ridiculous.

Sorry if that made no sense o.O

Daniel Ehrenhaft

Hi everyone: I think I owe you all an apology. This is the first time I’ve ever argued with a review, and upon looking at my posts with fresh eyes this morning, I realize I come off as sounding at best defensive, and at worst, stupid. I’ve certainly learned my lesson! Although I am grateful that FRIEND IS NOT A VERB has sparked such an interesting discussion…I had no idea it ever would lead a review could lead to contemplation of issues of freedom of speech. I’m sad that some of you feel the need to boycott my books, but maybe one day you’ll reconsider and take a look at them. Thanks again!

orangehands

Aja & Courtney Milan & Ana: Just wanted to say I loved your responses.