2 Rated Books Book Reviews

Book Review: Phenomenal Girl 5

Title: Phenomenal Girl 5

Author: A. J. Menden

Genre: Part of the Shomi line by Dorchester Publishing – it is basically, paranormal romance.

Stand Alone/ Series: Book 1 of EHJ (Elite Hands of Justice) series.

Summary:Lainey Livingston has just been made a member of the Elite Hands of Justice, the world’s premiere cadre of superheroes. Her work with the Red Knights and the Power Squad was impressive; her apprehension stats are above normal, and her great strength and ability to fly are equally remarkable. But no one gets a free pass to active duty, and Lainey’s next test is going to be her hardest. She’s to train with the Reincarnist.

Robert Elliot, the Reincarnist. A magician who has lived multiple lifetimes, he’s the smartest man in the world—and Lainey’s last obstacle. He was personally responsible for seeing Pushstar wash out. But his eyes are the softest, kindest that Lainey has ever seen, and he’s just the sort to knock her for a loop. Lesson #1: Romantic entanglements among crime fighters are super exploitable, and falling in love with a man who “can’t die” is like waving a red flag at a bull. Especially not when the most fiendish plot ever is about to break over Megalopolis like a wave of fire.

Why Did I Read the Book: I saw the shout out for the book over at The Book Binge when they were doing their Shomi Spotlight. I checked the author’s website and thought her “voice” was quite cool and I got even more psyched to read it. I mean, it’s Superheroes! with Romance! It sounded like a book Made For Ana. I then got an ARC and proceeded to read it.

Review:

Warning: this post contains spoilers.

* Torn between being snarky or not, Ana seeks a way of writing this review without being mean and settles for…*

Phenomenal Girl 5 in a nutshell:

In Megolopolis, Lainey Livingston … AKA Phenomenal Girl 5, is a superheroine that has been trying to join the Elite Hands of Justice AKA EHJ, forever. The EHJ is the main superhero squad that fights the universe’s (yes the universe) most powerful super-villains. They even have a Saturday morning cartoon show. Lainey’s superpowers are: she can fly and she is super strong. She is accepted in and is to be trained by Robert Elliot, AKA The Reincarnist, a superhero who poses as a playboy and lives in a mansion with a training facility. His power is that when he dies, he immediately reincarnates as a 20 year old man in a different body and with different traits but capable of keeping his memories except that is, for the memory of the people he loves. On top of being able to reincarnate when he dies, (aka lamest superpower EVER) he is also one of the most intelligent men on the planet and most rookies are to be trained by him. Also he is a level 10 (highest level) magician. (In Italian because that’s how he learnt it. And everyone has a little bit of magic in them.) Lainey becomes Robert’s new partner but he is very cynical and jaded and thinks superheroes have become celebrities so he is like a loner. He has a keen sense of justice and is adamant that all villains must be brought to justice. They fall in love, they both die. They both are brought back. Robert becomes Wesley and forgets about Lainey. They fall in love again. The super-villain of the jour is about to start the apocalypse and they must stop it. They do it. The end.

Now, if you read the above and thought – “oh, wow, cool, this book sounds good and original” – by all means, stop reading this review right now and pick it up. But if like me, you are a geek that has read more that your fair share of comic books and graphic novels, watched more than a few superheroes movies then you will probably be thinking to yourself: boy, does that sound familiar.

It is like a mish mash of everything I hold dear: Lainey’s superpowers sound like Rogue’s from the X-men, The Reincarnist lifestyle sounds eerily like Bruce Wayne’s and the EHJ is like a spin off of the JLA. There is even a vigilante hero that sounds so much like Rorschach from the Watchmen it was not even funny. So, it is not the most original premise in the world but all things considered, this could have easily been seen as a cool homage. That wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the other issues I had with the book. Like for example the Predictability factor.

The moment I read that Robert was able to die and reincarnate and every time it happened he would come back without the memory of the people he loved, I just knew this was exactly what would happen. And Bingo! I was spot on. Again, if this had been well done, it could have added a lot of angst but because it all happened so fast , it was like a roller coaster to catastrophe right in front of my eyes. It was not two seconds after their first kiss, that they had to fight a villain that ends up killing Lainey and Robert uses all his magic to bring her back, and therefore dying himself because he loved her too much even though there was not a single clue of this undying love before that moment. Some last minute love declarations, a sex scene before he dies, then he leaves the room and comes back as a 20 year old man called Wesley. Now, Lainey who at this point has found out that she loves Robert more than anything in the world and should be desperate and lonely and scared that the man she loved disappeared forever to be replaced by some dude, has the following reaction when he walks into the room: “wow, he’s hot” . Then, she gets depressed and it’s so sad but less than one month later she finds that she is in love with this Wesley and Wesley is in love with her and he says that he has never loved anyone like this before but HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT, I ask, since he supposedly has no memory of his former lovers? (and they were plenty, since he has been around since Roman times, apparently).

But this is not all. When Lainey dies, she sees her mother and her mother has a message for her…from God. Also, the Bermuda Triangle? A Gateway to Hell. And one of the superheroes of the EHJ is a reincarnation of Aphrodite the Greek goddess of Love. And the apocalypse is to be brought about by the villain who according to a prophecy says that an innocent (one chance to guess who the innocent is) will be joined by a dark soul and their baby could be either an evil envoy or the world savior. So yes, there is also a baby. It all of this happens in less than two months. Add to the concoction the EHJ’s inner politics and search for celebrity status (best part of the book in my opinion – very innovative). It is like, PG5 was written by a very green author who tried to do too much in too little time and in less than 300 pages.

On top of that there is also the fact that all of The Reincarnist’s magic spells are said in Italian. It just so happens I not only speak a little Italian, my best friend is Italian and my day time job, coincidentally, involve translations (no, I do not smuggle books for a living, unfortunately) and I can safely say that most of the Italian used in the book is wrong. One spell for example says “libro di aumento” which means NOTHING. To be fair, I read an ARC and it may just be that the final copies have been edited to correct these but it did contribute to mar my enjoyment of the book.

And the worst thing is, I can’t even say, “at least the sex was hot” because all the sex was behind closed doors.

So here I stand dear readers, *hands on waist, puffed chest and staring into horizon* dully doing my duty and reporting my findings on PG5. I wish I had loved this book – the concept of superheroes and romance brought together is one that ticks all the right boxes with this reader. Lainey as a heroine had a lot of potential and some of her inner thoughts were very funny. Plus, I read A. J. Menden’s cool livejournal and I really like her online “voice” so it is with a heavy heart and a very sad feeling that I say, alas, Phenomenal Girl 5 was a complete waste of my time.

Notable Quotes/ Parts: *flatline*

Additional Thoughts: *crickets chirping*

Verdict: The premise had potential but sadly it did not live up to my expectations.

Rating: 2 – complete waste of my time.

Reading next: Crocodile on the Sandbank by Elizabeth Peters

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16 Comments

  • kmont
    October 22, 2008 at 7:08 am

    WOW.

    I read that review twice in some places…WOW.

    I totally sympathize on your feelings. I felt the EXACT same way about a recent ARC read. All the points that were off about this book for you? Same.exact.thoughts on my part with this other book. So I hear ya.

    I admit I’m confuzzled after reading your description of the book because the book sounds like a hot mess as a result. I had my eye on this one and may still read it; I haven’t read as many comics as you, but I appreciate you pointing out the book’s similarity to some comic books.

    Good thing I have a huge TBR pile waiting on me. Oh…and The Windflower lol! Yeah, hee….I will look at this book again after I’ve chisled down the books I’ve got first.

  • Karen Mahoney
    October 22, 2008 at 7:22 am

    This review makes me feel SO disappointed! Not because it’s a ‘bad’ review or anything. As usual, you’ve been fair and well-balanced and thoroughly explained your reasons for not liking things.

    It’s just that *I* was so looking forward to this book, too! Hm… Now, I will still read it, for sure… but I think I’ll be prepared for not liking it as much as I’d hoped. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised? I’m a little worried, as I’ve read LOADS of superhero comics myself. 🙂

  • Thea
    October 22, 2008 at 7:36 am

    So basically…

    Rogue/Ms. Marvel/Supergirl meets Bruce Wayne who lives in the X-Mansion, where she undergoes extensive training in his subterranian facility. They then go to work for the JLA/SHIELD and defeat Apocalypse. (While Rorschach/Green Arrow watches on, from a rooftop).

    in Dwight Schrute voice
    Question: If Reincarnation Man reincarnates every twenty years and has no recollection of his lovers, how is it possible he is The Most Intelligent Man In The World? Why does he only forget his lovers? How can he train rookies when presumably he’d forget everything when he reincarnates? (And everyone knows Jack Bauer is The Most Intelligent Man in the Universe, and whom Dwight Schrute would select as his Ideal Number Two)

    “When Lainey dies, she sees her mother and her mother has a message for her…from God. Also, the Bermuda Triangle? A Gateway to Hell.”

    …there are no words.

    “And one of the superheroes of the EHJ is a reincarnation of Aphrodite the Greek goddess of Love.”

    “And the apocalypse is to be brought about by the villain who according to a prophecy says that an innocent (one chance to guess who the innocent is) will be joined by a dark soul and their baby could be either an evil envoy or the world savior.”

    Well THAT’S original *snickers*

    On the bright side–it’s your first 2 rated book!!! Bust out the champagne! I’m proud of you dude. Although I am sorry you had to suffer through reading this one.

  • Lana
    October 22, 2008 at 7:43 am

    aww, sucks that it didn’t work out so hot, although I have to say I was amused by the review anyway :*).

    Have you heard of the Bigtime series by Jennifer Estep? I haven’t read them yet, but they’re supposed to be superhero chicklit and they sounded like fun. You might want to check them out…but you also might want to wait for the sting to wear off, just in case.

  • little alys
    October 22, 2008 at 8:04 am

    Maybe it’s just me, but has anyone noticed an increase of comic book/superhero plotlines being filtered into our everyday lifes? Heroes on TV (it’s not bad), heroes in romance novels. Even classic novels are getting these ‘comic book’ covers. Am I just going nuts? Or just getting really really picky about wanting a high quality book? ^_~

    So glad you wrote this review and for the fact you read comic books. 😀 I’m pretty sure I’ll be skipping this one, thank you.

  • Ana
    October 22, 2008 at 8:08 am

    Kmont, Karen: I was very disappointed. I was expecting so much of this book. And she is working on its sequels already (but I don’t think I will read them)
    I didn’t even mention other things that bugged me, I though it was enough already.

    What else can I say? Maybe you WILL like the book. I have seen a couple of good reviews online and I would love to see what you both think.

    Thea: dude, that was HARD. You know how much I struggle to write “bad” reviews. I feel really bad when i can’t find anything of positive to say and I tried, I really did with this one but alas, there comes a day when not even Pollyanna can see rainbows. /cheesy . It really was not for me.

    “How can he train rookies when presumably he’d forget everything when he reincarnates?”

    He doesn’t forget everything…just lovers, a few spells etc. *shifty eyes*

    Lana: Thanks. I never heard about the Bigtime series but I will look it up!

  • Thea
    October 22, 2008 at 8:16 am

    He doesn’t forget everything…just lovers, a few spells etc. *shifty eyes*

    Well isn’t that nice for him. I suppose having one of the lamest superpowers ever (running a close second to pufferfish faced boy from X-3), you have to give him SOMETHING. *double shifty eyes*

    Awww, and don’t worry about it, Pollyanna. I’m sure there will be another rainbow out there, soon enough ;P

  • Katiebabs
    October 22, 2008 at 10:54 am

    This is a first for you Ana! The Bermuda Triangle is a gateway to Hell? LOL
    BTW I got this book a few days ago. Me thinks I will keep it to the side.
    Thanks for your honesty 😀

  • Katiebabs
    October 22, 2008 at 10:56 am

    So Robert is a big superhero “ho” and his excuse is because he doesn’t remember the warm bodies he sleeps with.

  • Estelle
    October 22, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    Erm….I was all eager to check this book out because I’m in a huge reading slump right now and now I feel like a dog whose bone has been taken away.

    At least I laughed reading this review and that’s a compensation. Great job. The book sounds like a parody. Too bad it wasn’t meant to be one.

    I’m curious though….what happens in the end? Will the Wesley dude possibly die in the future and forget the heroine again? or has that issue been resolved?

    Jeez, I must say that it’s one plot point that takes the cake. Just think of how many “loves of his life’ the dude must have had if he’s been around since antiquity…

  • Ana
    October 22, 2008 at 12:25 pm

    Alys, yes you are right. And I really do not like these covers all that much. and speaking of Heroes , just watched this week’s episode and it’s so so so bad. I am starting to get so frustrated with the series. The writing and dialogues are godawful. and even if you are picky about the quality of the books you read: what is wrong with that? The more quality we demand the more quality we get. I hope.

    Katie, yeah, I would just skip this one.

    Estelle, thanks for commenting. Wesley may die in the future but he will probably not forget Lainey, because as I said , she is sooooo special and The One, before the book ended he ended up remembering her from when he was Robert. I kid you not.

    Too bad he can’t remember his previous wife. Or his son, who is still alive and has memories of him three lifes prior to being Wesley. and is Lainey’s boss at the EHJ. and a superhero too. But he does remember his other daughter, who is also an immortal superheroine and very very old. He doesn’t seem to remember her mother either.

  • Ana
    October 22, 2008 at 12:28 pm

    From the writer’s website:

    A Timeline of The Reincarnist’s Other Lives

    2006 – Wesley Charles

    1986 – Robert Elliot

    1926 – Walter Rath – fought in World War II, helped found the Elite Hands of Justice, father of Benjamin Rath

    1886 – Herman Whitney – founder of The School For Children With Supernatural Powers

    1860 – Thaddeus Mitchell – immigrates to America, fought in the Civil War, ancestor of The Magnificent

    1800 – William Graves – famous British Romantic-era poet

    1760 – George Emerson – British soldier who fought in American Revolution

    1716 – James Jones – British pirate

    1671 – John Black

    1629 – Adam Morris

    1589 – Thomas Saunders – friend of William Shakespeare

    1260 – Luccio Medici – family went on to start Reinassance

    8th Century BC – the daughter of the Reincarnist, now known as Fantazia, is born. It is believed by her and him that she is the first child he had and is from his first life. However, considering the nature of his powers, it is possible that is not accurate.

    It is rumored that the Italian language’s roots came from the language used by The Reincarnist and his family for spellcasting.

  • little alys
    October 22, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    Ana, you saw this weeks Heroes too? Didn’t it just feel slightly boring? As much as I love Hiro, it was boring me. I think I watched for no more than 10 minutes and I skipped out.
    As with the covers feel like that comic strip in Unshelved talking about being ‘market’ to. It’s annoying!
    So now, instead of those painted half nakked people, we get cartoonish half action drawings. Ugh.

    The more quality we demand the more quality we get. I hope.
    Good point. I hope so too.

  • Kristie (J)
    October 22, 2008 at 3:33 pm

    🙁 this one does sound like a throw everything in the pot – stir it up – and see what comes out. And this case it doesn’t sound good. Thanks for the warning ’cause I’ve been reading the Shomi line and enjoying it. But this sounds like a good one to skip.

  • orannia
    October 22, 2008 at 3:35 pm

    Thank you for an honest review Anna.

    II’m sorry, but I don’t think I can handle the the genre mix. I don’t mind superheroes (I love the X-Men…Wolverine anyone?) and paranormal romance, but together? Saying that, the premise behind the Reincarnist is interesting. If he was what he was, a magician who could reincarnate, but when he did so lost all of his memories (but still remembered basic actions, e.g. driving) I’d be intrigued…

  • Estelle
    October 23, 2008 at 7:12 am

    Too bad he can’t remember his previous wife. Or his son, who is still alive and has memories of him three lifes prior to being Wesley. and is Lainey’s boss at the EHJ. and a superhero too. But he does remember his other daughter, who is also an immortal superheroine and very very old. He doesn’t seem to remember her mother either.

    Wow…and I thought it couldn’t go further down wacko lane!

    Boy, am I glad I read your review Ana. You saved me from making the mistake of buying it.

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