Smugglers Ponderings

Worst Adaptations

Reading SciFi Chick’s recent list “13 Unfortunate X-Men Costumes”, got me to thinking. While some superheroes have blundered into some lamentable costume phases, how about those poor heroes that are just totally miscast or misrepresented in movie adaptations? Considering the bevvy of upcoming movie releases, I thought it would be fun to contemplate some of the more comedic attempts at bringing comic book characters from the page to the screen.

1. Halle Berry as Ororo Munroe (aka Storm)–So, it’s not really Halle’s fault that the character was so lame, thin and weak in the first two movies. However, after much bitching, she got a bigger part for X-3…and proved how terrible of an actress she really is. Storm is my favorite X-Man, for her leadership, cool powers, and general bad-ass-ness. Halle Berry was a huge pile of suck in the movies. Seriously, how she won an academy award is completely beyond me.

2. Anna Paquin as Rogue–while we’re on X-Men, I still am a bit angry at the girlish, mealy-mouth ninny interpretation they used for Rogue. As I recall, Rogue is a strong, independent woman that deals with some serious soul searching issues because of her powers (see above in infamous encounter with Ms. Marvel). She is not some prepubescent girl that cries because Bobby wants to play sexy time with Kitty Pryde. Just…LAME.

3. Ben Affleck as Daredevil–You know, he looked the part. In so far as pulling off tight red leather can go. But…it’s Ben Affleck. BEN. AFFLECK. Him playin Daredevil was almost as humorous as Al Pacino’s blind dude in Scent of a Woman. Just…no.

4. Halle Berry as Catwoman–Halle gets two mentions on the same list–that should say something. Who looked at this script and said “Eureka, this is an instant gold mine!” How did this turd of a movie ever come to fruition? Were all the execs out golfing that day or something? At some point, shouldn’t someone, anyone, step up and say “Uh…this is kinda whack”????

5. Billy Zane as The Phantom–I actually like this movie. And to be fair, Billy Zane does as great a job as anyone that looks like a giant grape condom can. Again though, a little costume updating goes a loooong way. Just sayin.

6. Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy–Ay ay ay. Where do I start? The green mossy growths she has for eyebrows? The ridiculous sexy voice that comes across as anything but? I almost swore off Uma because of this role. To be fair though, she was probably being thrown by the moron director and dizzy from all the closeups on rubber bat-nipples and such.

7. Nicholas Cage as Johnny Blaze (aka Ghostrider)–I have no words. The fake hair is awful. It’s just so wrong…all of it! Badass, alcoholic, chain smoking stunt biker is played by….Nicholas Cage. Who is desperately trying so hard to look like he isn’t pushing 50, it’s embarassing. The special effects were awesome though.

8. Jessica Alba as Sue Storm–Why? Why cast the darker skinned and complexioned Jessica Alba as blonde, blue-eyed American Pie Sue Storm? It doesn’t make any sense. Certainly they didn’t want Ms. Alba for her acting chops (“But Reed. I’m so sad. This was our wedding.” *gags*)–they could have cast a number of pretty young things with blonde hair and blue eyes. Jessica Alba looks like those freaky dolls–or worse, like in that movie The Cell (yes, with JLo) after the murder victims were given a bleach bath. Not cool.

9. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor–This should have been gold. Pure, acting, casting gold. But somehow…it just didn’t work. Kevin Spacey lacked the comedic value that Gene Hackman brought to the same role decades earlier, and just couldn’t really carry Lex off. Disappointing.

10. Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane–Annoying. Oh so annoying. She looks weird, has that weird little girl voice, the snaggle tooth…gah. Now MJ is no prize even in the comics, but there’s something just completely whiney and irritating about Kirsten Dunst. But…I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority on this one!

11. Sienna Miller as the Baroness–Ok, so the movie hasn’t come out yet so I’ll have to reserve final judgement until I see it. But…the Baroness is awesome. She’s smart, she’s cynical, she’s badass and sexily evil. Sienna Miller is…well, doesn’t seem to stack up to any of those qualifications. I’m not stoked.

12. Marlon Wayans as Ripcord–Just look at the picture comparison. NOOOOOO. Maybe he still has his White Chicks makeup.

So…speak up! What do you think? Any miscasts that just bug?

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  • Shannon
    April 27, 2008 at 4:05 pm

    I think you hit all the ones that bugged me. Ben Afleck. Just… no. After Michelle Pfieffer was so kick ass, who could possibly have thought Halle was a good idea? Seriously!

  • talia
    April 27, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    thea i couldn’t agree more with your list! i actually laughed out loud at the grape condom and the snaggle tooth comments.

    what do you think of robert downey jr as iron man? i mean, i think he’s a great actor but i’m not too sure about that one.

    oh! one more. how about george clooney as batman in batman and robin?


  • Kristie (J)
    April 28, 2008 at 4:23 am

    ROTFL at the giant grape condom. And yeah – Ben Afleck in any kind of super hero movie. I’ve never liked him – in anything. And Nicolas Cage *shudder*

  • Thea
    April 28, 2008 at 7:19 am

    Shannon, Michelle Pfieffer was perfection as catwoman. I saw the Halle Berry version on the airplane and still could not believe my eyes. Just…ugh.

    Talia–dude 🙂 I am excited to see RDJ as Iron Man, I have hope. Must reserve judgement until after I’ve seen it! Oh yes, and George Clooney…eek. I mean, he had the whole sexy bachelor thing going on, it’s just I can’t quite picture George Clooney kicking anyone’s ass. In nippled rubber suits, no less.

    Kristie (darn it I called you Katie again! *blushes*)–Ben Affleck should not be allowed to act, period. I feel kind of bad saying that, but…he’s just SO AWFUL! Hee.

    And Nicholas Cage in Ghostrider…gaah! For one thing, the most glaring problem was how he and Eva Mendez are supposed to be the same age, and he looks like he’s a good 15 years older than her. Yeesh.

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