Cloverfield…A Warning!!!

I just got back from the theater after spending 90 minutes “watching” Cloverfield.

And I feel compelled to warn everyone about this…movie. I nearly yakked trying to watch the damned thing. The camera is handheld and inexpertly filmed for the entirety of the movie…which would be absolutely fine if it wasn’t being filmed by a guy who apparently has Parkinson’s disease.

I don’t get motion sickness, I am usually pretty staunch of stomach. I loved the Blair Witch Project and had absolutely no problem watching that movie.

Cloverfield, however, (and please, pardon my potty mouth) SUCKED BALLS. I appreciate that the movie was supposed to be ‘authentic’…but it sucked.

Maybe I’m just bitter because I wasn’t able to focus on the screen without entering the red zone and very nearly losing my cookies. All I know is, I was stoked to see this movie, I bought completely into the hype, I thought JJ Abrams was gonna hit this one out of the park. Instead, I’m sitting on my couch nearly an hour later, still trying to hold down my salted pretzel and drinking ginger ale.

So far as the actual plot goes, some astute reviewer said it perfectly: Cloverfield = Blair Witch meets Godzilla meets The O.C. meets Alien.

The monster was pretty cool (kinda looks like a sleeker Godzilla, more along the lines of the mutant monster in The Host), but you hardly ever get to see it since the character holding the camera has a hard time staying in one place for longer than half a second. Plus, you don’t learn anything about the monster, except that it’s in the city and it’s pissed. The story is the same old tried tune that brings absolutely NOTHING new to the table–big monster mysteriously lands in New York City, starts tearing shit up, kills people, the military comes in, blows everything up, everyone there dies, THE END.

Although, if pressed I suppose I could say that this version is notable in that it stars some truly idiotic (but beautiful) 20-somethings and exceptionally bad filming. I wouldn’t be so peeved with the stoyline had the damn camera stabilized at some point…but alas, that was not in the cards.

So, consider this a big ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK sign…and consider yourselves warned.


  • Ana
    January 19, 2008 at 3:00 am

    Wow, Thea, sorry to hear you are feeling poorly.

    The review surprises me quite a lot – I had just read a 5 starred review from Empire Magazine.
    As I do not like monster movies anyway, I don’t think I will be watching it but would like to know what other people think!

  • Thea
    January 19, 2008 at 11:09 am

    Aww, thanks dude.

    I’m just so disappointed because I *REALLY* wanted to see this movie. The marketing was ingenius, I was completely hooked.

    And to be fair, had the camera been more bearable I probably would have quite enjoyed it…but it’s hard to have any good thoughts when your trying not to throw up (I had some nasty flashes of Stand By Me when Lard-ass starts the barforama. Eek.)

  • Katie(babs)
    January 20, 2008 at 11:57 am

    I was on the fence on whether or not to go see this because I do like the concept, much like Blair Witch, and luckily I don’t get motion sickness.
    This looks like a good Netflix movie. Thanks for the review and hope you tummy feels better.

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